The 2 Primary Goals of Marriage Counseling

Importantly, the goal of marriage counseling or couples counseling is not to eliminate conflict. Any clinician who professes to be able to do this is being disingenuous. The first goal of marriage counseling is to enable the couple to argue well—to engage in conflict without destroying the other, and without being destroyed. In other words, the first goal of marriage counseling is to teach the partners enough about each other so they understand why the other person is reacting specifically the way they are. Marriage counseling educates the couple about each partner’s vulnerabilities and how vulnerabilities and unmet core needs participate in creating conflict. The couple learns to look beyond their spouse’s initial reactions, snarky comments, and difficult behaviors, to their core vulnerabilities. Each partner learns why the other is being triggered.

At the same time as the partners are learning about each other, they’re also learning how to talk with each other when they are in conflict. Marriage counseling teaches couples to focus on their feelings and on the feelings of the other. The couple learns to reduce blame. The couple also learns to decenter—to be interested in the distress of the other. The pair learn to trust that each partner ultimately wants an outcome that feels right for both parties. The partners learn to listen actively and with empathy. The second goal of marriage counseling, therefore, is that the couple learns to bring their understanding and compassion for their partner to the conflict itself, using empathy to help them resolve the problem.

The Role of the Clinician

The role of the clinician is very important. The clinician keeps the partners in balance, never favoring or disfavoring one over the other. The clinician, as neutral participant, makes honest observations about the strengths and weaknesses of the couple, and works with them cooperatively to focus on improving areas of difficulty. The clinician teaches the partners alternative ways of conveying unhappiness and models healthy engagement, inviting the partners to listen actively, to reduce hurtful discourse, to develop curiosity about the other, and to focus on sharing feelings instead of accusations.

The Role of the Couple

Working to improve your ability to hear constructive criticism, to admit you may have been hurtful, to acknowledge your partner’s feelings and to remain non-defensive is quite difficult. Your hard work is the key to the success of your therapy. In the hands of an experienced and encouraging clinician, you can feel safe enough to take the steps toward healthy engagement and a satisfying partnership.

Collaboration For Success

Marriage counseling or couples’ therapy is a cooperative effort. Lead by an experienced therapist, you and your partner will be helped to master the challenges and interpersonal skills needed to make your partnership a rewarding one. Your interest, curiosity and hard work are important ingredients in making your marriage counseling productive.