How To Manage Strong Feelings in Therapy

The Importance of Connections With Others

We are generally hard-wired to seek connection with others. Having strong connections functions in many important ways. It strengthens our ability to manage difficult thoughts and feelings, helps us navigate stressful circumstances without breaking down, and generally improves our ability to meet challenging life changes. In short, connections with important others builds needed self-structure and works to help regulate distress. The presence of important others in our lives is central to mental health and well-being.

Big Feelings and the Therapy Situation

When a person enters therapy, or when a couple enters marriage counseling, something strange often occurs. If the work is proceeding well, the patient(s) begins to feel understood and safe from judgment. He or she feels the clinician is attuned to their needs. Feelings of warmth, affection, and even love are born.

This is often a confusing and even frightening realization. Can I love my therapist? Is it normal to want to see my therapist more frequently, to be invited into his or her life outside the office, and to think about my therapist in loving ways?

Having Strong Feelings for Your Therapist is Normal

To all of these questions, the answer is a resounding YES! Having strong feelings for your therapist is a sign that the therapy is alive and well. There are two parts to this discussion. First, it’s absolutely normal to develop affectionate feelings for someone with whom you share personal details about your life, and who listens to your concerns with empathy. These initial feelings of warmth are important building blocks in the development of a strong, trusting bond that will support your therapeutic growth.

Second, as the therapy progresses, your feelings may grow stronger or may shift. This is also absolutely normal. It tells us that the therapy is stirring up important aspects of your history and important areas of feeling and of need inside of you. Chances are these are new or strange, or difficult to tolerate, and even scary.

How To Manage Big Feelings In Therapy

Very often, this is when patients get anxious. Sometimes, they become so anxious they bring the therapy to an end. This is too bad, since these feelings are important parts of what comprises one’s inner life, often pulling invisible strings to cause difficulty or problems in everyday living. Staying with the feelings long enough to explore and understand them will relieve you of their negative influence and will free you up to feel and to engage in loving relationships.

The Role of Your Clinician

The role of the therapist is critical in helping you tolerate and understand what you’re feeling, and in keeping you safe and comfortable while doing the work. If your therapist is as uncomfortable as you are with big feelings, the important work is being avoided. You deserve a well-trained therapist who can help you sit with your changing feelings, help you figure out what they are and why they’re surfacing, and ultimately, help you manage and tolerate them so they’re no longer able to make you anxious and in need of bringing the therapy (or any relationship) to an end. Lisa Lempel-Sander at Long Island Counseling has been working in this field for over 30 years, and is clinically trained to understand and work with all sorts of difficult, scary feelings. She welcomes you, and looks forward to working together individually, or as part of a couple in couples therapy.