Choosing a Clinician
Effective Marriage Counseling
We’ve heard of the Gottman Method. What is it? Should we seek marriage counseling from a Gottman-trained clinician? How does Long Island Counseling distinguish itself as a more effective provider of marriage and couples’ counseling?
The Gottman Method
What is It?
Gottman developed the image of a “house” as a metaphor for a secure relationship. "The Sound Relationship House” theory identifies seven “floors” that a couple can move through to improve their relationship, together with two “weight-bearing walls” which are essential in holding the couple together. These symbolic floors include building love maps, engaging in a positive perspective, and managing conflict, among others. These are among the skills taught by the Gottman Method, which looks to provide new ways for the couple to deal with their ongoing conflicts.
Understanding Why
The Real Cause of Marital Distress
Long Island Counseling recognizes the important contributions Gottman made to the field of couples therapy and to understanding some reasons couples fail to thrive. But the Gottman Method does not help the couple understand and correct the central cause of marital distress: the unresolved and often subtle presence of “personal baggage.” In a troubled marriage, the partners are generally in the grip of their “personal baggage”—disappointments that arose in the past, but which continue to exert their influence in the present. (A more detailed explanation is here: https://www.longislandcounseling.com/a-blog-for-the-rest-of-us/childhood-disappointments-how-they-impact-a-marriage/
The Crisis
In the Grip of Past Injuries
A husband, for example, may have been disappointed as a toddler when his mother returned to work and showed little interest in him. Unintentionally, he brings history or baggage into his marriage, feeling that his partner's pursuits outside the home must surely signal an identical disinterest in him. A crisis ensues when the husband is triggered by his partner’s behavior, feeling once again the pain of his earlier let-down. In the grip of his old disappointment, he accuses his partner of abandoning him.
The Solution
Empathy and Understanding
Effective marriage counseling helps the couple to disarm the crisis and to move toward empathy and understanding. Humanizing each partner’s history and disappointments is an important part of the process.
The Unique Couple
Not a One Size Fits All
Marriage counseling is a subtle, tailored undertaking. It requires a clinician who can see the unique needs and strengths of each couple, and who can also see the specific, central challenge facing the couple. Good counseling is not cookie-cutter therapy. Effective counseling wisely tailors the clinical work to the couple’s unique needs.
