What Does It Mean to De-Center?

Most of us see the world through the filter of our own experience.  When something happens, we assign meaning to it—meaning taken from our personal history and the complex configuration of who we are.  When, for example, our partner leaves the bed to sleep in the guest room, the meaning we assign to that event is pulled from our history and from our experience. To some, it might mean an expression of anger. They will ask: Why is my partner angry at me?  To others, it might mean hurt or abandonment. They will ask: Why did my partner leave me? Still, to others, they might not assign much meaning to it at all. The meaning we assign to an event is based on the sum total of who we are.

Imagining What Your Partner Thinks

To de-center means to put aside the meaning we assign to something, and to imagine,  instead, what meaning might assigns to the event. When our partner leaves the bed to sleep in the guest room, a de-centered approach asks: why did my partner do that? What meaning does my partner assign to getting up in the middle of the night and heading to the guest bed? To de-center, we look for the meaning our partner would assign to the event. We pursue this question in our minds, with our partner in order to discover this.

Focus on the Feelings and Experience of Your Partner

In order to de-center, it’s clear we must turn away from our own feelings and focus on the feelings and experience of our partner.  He or she may have complained of a cough before going to bed. Changing beds might have been their attempt to protect the healthy partner from getting sick, or from being awakened by the coughing.

Tuning into How Our Partner Might Feel

When we focus on the experience of our partner, we run through what we know and sense about them, recalling what they said and how they seemed to feel earlier. We might recall their mentioning having difficulty sleeping, having had nightmares or insomnia. We might recall their mentioning being worried about a work project. We de-center from how feel in order to tune in to how we think our partner might be feeling, so we can understand the meaning they assign to an event.

Why is De-Centering Important?

De-centering endows us with a window into the experience of the other.  When we understand the meaning the other person assigns to an event, we can see things from their perspective—which is an act of empathy and compassion and is absolutely central to healthy relating.  If your partner cannot see how you see the world and how you assign meaning to events, then he or she is limited to their own perspective, leaving you to feel poorly understood and most likely, lonely and frustrated.

Improving Your Marriage

At Long Island Counseling, partners are taught how to de-center. They are given the tools to begin to set aside their own perspective, and to consider the perspective of their partner. Previously stunted relationships can deepen and grow when the partners begin to see beyond their own experience and develop an understanding of the experience of the other.