WHY MARRIED COUPLES DON’T FRENCH KISS ANYMORE . . .
Oh How Delicious It Is! Slow sweet sexy kissing. Open-mouthed or closed-mouthed. Delicate little rose-bud kissing or long-stemmed, rain-drenched, full-bloom kissing. The feeling of desire, of compassion, of erotic connection.
Sadly, Many Couples Report They’ve Stopped French Kissing Entirely. In my office, couples I tell me they “rarely” engage in long, pleasurable kissing anymore. These same couples also report a lack of intimacy in their marriages—both emotional as well as sexual intimacy and report a higher level of sexual dissatisfaction.
The Biggest Problem is That Kissing is Expected to Lead to Sex. Couples who report a lack of intimacy, complain that, “If we start kissing, my partner always expects that we move on to having sex. We can never simply just make out for the pleasure of it. I end up feeling pressured and on the clock.”
WHEN KISSING IS REDUCED TO SIMPLY ONE THING—a stepping stone along the way toward another goal—the nature and tone of the love-making changes. Eroticism is a strange animal; desire is usually not born out of pressure. Nor is it born in the presence of an agenda. But, let’s pause to be clear here—we’re not talking about the times you’re pulling each other’s clothing off. After a long absence, for instance, when desire is already present and alive. We’re really talking about everyday living, when hot, steamy sex is not at the top of the list, when when work and kids and the bills take priority, and when desire feels like the lost ghost of long ago.
Yes! We’re Talking About Resurrecting Desire! We’re talking about creating desire when it’s not right there in front of you. We’re talking about planting a little seed, a possibility, a potential unfolding of desire, and then being patient. Waiting. Not pushing. Not worrying. Not having an agenda. Allowing desire take root and come into awareness, becoming known, becoming a possibility, becoming needed and even urgent. We’re talking about the connection between creating desire and stepping away from a goal.
And Indeed, This is the Number One Complaint I get from couples! “We don’t take our time anymore. Sex is like doing the dishes . . . everyone’s just hurrying to get to the finish-line.”
Want to Do Something Radical? Want to bring desire and sexual intimacy back into your marriage or relationship? Start by taking sex off the table for a while. No intercourse. No mutual masturbation. No oral sex.
Nothing except kissing.
You’ll be surprised at what happens.