​SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? Helping You Decide

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE MARRIAGE IS WORTH SAVING .  .  .  Help with answering this question is called Discernment Counseling, servicing the couple that has not yet decided, and needs help making this decision.   

DISCERNMENT COUNSELING IS NOT MARRIAGE COUNSELING  

Discernment Counseling recognizes and respects that the struggling couple is most likely a mixed-agenda couple—in which one partner is ‘leaning out’ and inclined to leave the marriage and seek divorce.  And the other partner is ‘leaning in’ and inclined to stay in the marriage and work toward repair.  Often this partner is desperate and frightened as the other grows more ambivalent and remote.  There is frequently a great deal of tension because of the uncertainty and anxiety.  And there is frequently a great deal of acting out as both partners retreat to their positions in confusion and self-protection.  

NEITHER PARTNER HAS MADE A FINAL DECISION YET

Importantly, the Discernment Counselor recognizes and respects that neither partner has fully committed to an option—divorcing or reconciliation. There is no pre-ordained agenda to promote the dissolution of the marriage or a reconciliation.   Rather, Discernment Counseling is specifically designed to help the couple figure out exactly what to do—whether to stay in the marriage, or to leave and divorce.  

PART OF THE WORK INCLUDES EXAMINING A FEW ITEMS:

1. Discernment Counseling looks to help each partner understand their role in bringing about the marital dissatisfaction.  Gently and respectfully, the treatment works to bring about a deeper understanding of self and other, and of the relationship as well.  The therapy looks at what went wrong and why, how each partner participated in creating the problem, and whether there is a possible narrative for repair.

2. Discernment Counseling looks to explore the real-life consequences of each option.  The couple learn about and discuss the consequences of both a divorce and of a reconciliation.  They explore their ideas and thoughts about what each option would look like and feel like.  

3. Discernment Counseling provides a safe, neutral and well-guided space in which to work.  While Discernment Counseling is not marriage counseling, it adopts some of the same important operating principles of working with couples, including neutrality and impartiality, as well as conflict reduction and facilitating honest communication.  

DISCERNMENT COUNSELING IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY

1. Discernment Counseling is not appropriate when one spouse has already made a decision.

2. Discernment Counseling is not appropriate where there’s domestic violence

3. Discernment Counseling is not the venue to announce your decision to your unsuspecting spouse

WHAT CAN I EXPECT?

The short-term approach of Discernment Counseling helps the partners carefully consider the life-changing decision whether to end or re-commit to their marriage.  When a decision emerges, the Counselor helps provide the resources to move forward with reconciliation, or move forward with separation and/or divorce.  

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN DISCERNMENT COUNSELING BUT YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT, HELP IS STILL AVAILABLE

This is a common scenario.  One spouse is willing to come in for counseling while the other—while perhaps on the fence about the marriage—is unwilling to commit to treatment.  As an individual, you can still benefit from Discernment Counseling by learning how to make positive changes that will benefit you and that may contribute to saving your marriage.

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